The Life and Times of...

• 1991 Alive by Pearl Jam
• 1992 Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, Sins of our Fathers by Course of Empire and Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde. The early 90s was my flirtation with goth. I didn't like the conformity of the dress, but the dark music stylings definitely energized me. What can I say about the next seven years...my life revolved around Vampire Mushes and the friends I met online. I am of two minds...I was a dog, but there was something liberating about the raw sexuality of that time. I miss it...but not sure I can go back to being that person.
• 1993 What's Up by 4 Non Blondes
• 1994 Zombie by the Cranberries
• 1995 More Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral - Hurt and Closer also Filter's Hey Man Nice Shot
• 1996 Garbage's I'm Only Happy When It Rains
• 1997 This year was probably one of strangest...as such the DiVinyl's Pleasure and Pain is a fitting song. I discovered things about myself I liked and things that should be best kept in the dark.
• 1998 Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
• 2000 New Millenium and we survived the 1/1/00. Switched from 28 months at Microsoft to 9 years at Perot Systems...what was I doing in my life except just walking on a treadmill. It is also the first year I wasn't working for Amy Sittig, who blessed me by eventually becoming Amy Cox. The song is a bit tweaked though...The Way I Am by Eminem (What was I? Defined by jobs, friends, dreams)
• 2001 The songs that got me through the day began to change...Sandstorm by Darude. Something about trance/dance..uplifting. It began to help.
• 2002 System of a Down came to my consciousness...Chop Suey, Ariels, Lonely Day. Amy had said we almost didn't get married. I am glad we did get married, but I wish I had been a better husband.
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006 Divorce
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009

The Music of My Life:

What do I want? I have no idea, but I know I want to scream…over and over and over. I want to scream and yell and rail until my lungs feel like they want to burst. I think that might be a good place to start.

I know that I am changing...for the worse and possibly for the better, though I wish I knew how much my previous choices would weigh around my neck. I have a love hate relationship with women and food and the worse it gets and the more I stress, the more I eat. Comments that are dropped which shouldn’t dig, but do.

I think women are all fucking nuts and that should be a good state of mind. It doesn’t help that my self image is changing…to a younger self image. Blah.

Just freaking shoot me.

Listening to Everyday is Exactly the Same by NIN and it hurts. I make the same choices expecting change…which is technically insanity. I am apologetic to the point of submission and have faded to the background. It is…unnerving. I am glad to be gone from Perot. I don’t think I could take corporate life again. I do know that I light up when talking with my nephews and explaining things to them. So I know I can be happy…those moments are just few and far between. It is like life is just existence. This is my note in the bottle…and I suppose I hope someone finds it.

Lyrics:

believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around
Oh, no.

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes, yeah, I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

(spoken)
I’m writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping someday you might find
Well, I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind

I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don’t know, I don’t know,
What else I can do…

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
(Every day) *repeat 4 times as Chorus is playing*
(There is no love) *repeat 2 times*

Every day is the same!

A paraphrased quote from Edgar Allen Poe.

I am sure every writer has the story...our characters and the lives they lead. We are the gods of their fate, the masters of their strings. They act in ways we demand of them...and then we think about who pulls our strings and the life that we lead. I explored it in poetry a long time ago when I had a better gift for words.

Now I just seek..comfort. I listen to the music and I lose myself in sleep and dreams. It is so strange to dream again. I want to cry so much it hurts...but my life continues along a path of...stagnation. The only solace I find is in my education. I did get an A in my Western Civ class..and the summer looks good. Hopefully some accomplishments will revitalize me.